Do you ever run conversations in your head to see how they sound? I'm sure we've all gone over the past and thought "I should have said ...... instead". I was thinking about a possible future conversation with my friend, who is a bit sick at the moment but said if she's better by the weekend then we can go to one of her friends place for a bbq and booze sesh. I've only met the person once, but I was surprised by myself at the conversation in my head..
The conversation stopped when I realized I said something along the lines of: "but I'm dying to be social, lets go somewhere where we can chat to others"

"I'm dying to be social"....SOCIAL?! What is wrong with me. I mean sure, I don't get anxious when I'm in big crowds at the shopping center anymore, and I no longer have that constant pull of wanting to go home. I chat and ask questions to people I meet on the beach, where as I use to not even look up when I walked past.

But this feeling of actually WANTING to meet people, to learn their stories, to go places and have new adventures, is completely foreign to me. It was something I did because I was I had to. The "I have to" feeling had gotten stronger due to my road trip - I didn't have a choice when I was traveling alone. The "I don't wanna do this" feeling had gotten weaker, because the possibility of lying in bed doing nothing and seeing no one wasn't an option.

You know what? I like it. This was exactly what I was hoping for by traveling. I'm still not exactly what you would call confident. But I'm defiantly on the right track.

Alice Springs to Kings Canyon

Yesterday I drove from Alice Springs to the Kings Canyon Resort. I enjoyed Alice Springs. It had a unique beauty, being a very westernized city, in the middle of rocks, in the middle of nowhere. I got lost and ended up driving around the suburban areas, and discovered that a few houses had large boulders in their front yard or the nature strip out the front. I presumed that it was simply because the rocks were to big to move.
The Caravan park that I stayed in had the best check in lady, so far. She was a lovely grandmotherly lady, who asked where I'd been, where I was going, and how impressed she was I was doing it all by myself. I was able to top up my supplies the following morning in Alice Springs, after a very unexpected splattering of dawn rain!


The drive from Alice Springs to the Kings Canyon resort was absolutely horrible. I like to call it "the devil road". 150km of high winds and horrible dirt corrugation, and I'm somewhat experienced in off road driving. I had a couple of goes at trying to pick up speed on the dirt, which ended in my failing miserably. The entire plastic dash on my van would shake and wobble like you wouldn't believe. My hands where so sore by the time I reached the end, which was a good couple of hours as I could only go up to 20kph for most of the corrugation.
There was a beautiful look out and free camp spot just before the dirt road. I stopped for the look, and would have considered staying there the night if there were other people around. There were stunningly red hills, that were part of a larger mountain which had the appearance of a set of rolling waves.
According to my list of "Big Things" the Big Echidna was only a short detour off the road to Kings Canyon. So off I went, down another dirt corrugation road. I came across a herd of donkeys, and a water tank covered in graffiti, with the sides blown out like windows. When I got to the end of the road, it was a tiny aboriginal village with only one street. I slowly drove through, looking for the Big Echidna, and feeling slightly like a I look crazy. White girl by herself, in a hippy van covered in yellow spots. I didn't want to cement any of the stares I was getting, by asking if there was a giant echidna statue near by.
When I finally arrived at the Kings Canyon Resort, I booked in to a powered site(which was all they had). As I found my site, there was already someone in it! It was almost dark by this point, and the car was over to the one side, so I thought that maybe I was mistaken and there are supposed to be two cars per site. However, my power outlet was being used so I realized that it must have been a reception stuff up.
I was agitated and exhausted from the dirt road, and now slightly pissed off that they mucked it up this booking. After decided that I couldn't be stuffed trying to sort it out, and there was no one in the car next door, I just turned in for an early night. I stayed in bed until the people next door had unplugged and left, and I was able to have a few hours of charging my necessities - like my toothbrush.

Cairns to Tennant Creek

Alas, I have neglected all my avid followers.. My apologies. I write from Tennant Creek, in the Northern Territory. I left Cairns on Thursday morning, and spent the night at Undara. Driving away from my slightly teary goodbyes, I felt like my stomach was full of heavy, twisting snakes. And I couldn't tell if it was a laugh or a sob that was threatening to burst from my throat. I really felt a jumble of mixed emotions.
It got better once I was on the highway. I did long days of driving each day, and each night I went to bed early. Only now have I truly stopped and had time to read or write. Part of me only just realised that I may have subconsciously been driving such long hours and large distances, because I was worried I'd chicken out and turn back home. Whereas now, I'm so far from Cairns that even if I wanted to head back – it would be more then a days drive away. And I would have to undo all the hard work it took me to get here!

Undara was one of my favourite caravan sites(admittedly I've only been to 4 so far..), it was affordable, and beautifully surrounded with big old trees. The check in process was very easy, and the receptionist explained all about the camp without me having to ask. In the morning there were excited patrons gathering outside the toilet block to get photos of the wild kangaroos that had popped in for a visit.

I headed from Undara to Normanton, where the first of my “Big Things” awaited me. Normanton was a small dusty town, with a big purple pub. I stayed in a equally dusty caravan site, with friendly owners who looked at me twice when I said I was traveling alone. All of the caravan parks I have stayed in(except Undara with was in a National Park) have allowed pets. I wish I could have brought my dog, Calypso, but it would have gotten tricky with her when I eventually get to the cities.

I have set up a system where I can stick my camera on any of my car windows, like a GoPro suction mount, and set the self timer so I can get a picture with the Big Thing. I took a picture with the replica of the worlds biggest crocodile ever shot, and the Big Barramundi(Normanton is known for its Barra tournaments) before heading on the drive to Mount Isa.

During my drives I saw a huge Goanna, and a couple enormous eagles(these got more plentiful the further inland I went) all were feeding on road kill. A flock of wild blue and green budgies flew next to the car for a few moments while I was driving, which was really special because things like budgies and big birds of prey are things that you don't normally see in the wild – unless you travel or live in their natural habitat. If you live on the coast or such, budgies are commonly known as pets. Seeing them in the wild was really exciting for me.

It was interesting to see Mount Isa. According to one particular billboard I drove past - “you're not a true aussie until you've visited Mount Isa”. It was a large town in the middle of nowhere. All the caravan sites were more expensive, and I was able to use my Coles voucher to fuel up at a Shell. I set off from Mt Isa very early. I woke up at 4am, maybe having something to do with the fact it was 6 degrees and I only had one thickish blanket, and waited until dawn began to lighten the camp grounds at 6.30am before leaving. I still feel terribly bad for the guy sleeping in his swag directly behind my car..

Driving into sunrise was beautiful. Once I got to Camooweal, I had to fuel up again as it is the last stop before you get to Barkley Homestead in the NT. But the drive between the two is amazing, truly otherworldly. Knee length wheat coloured grass is the only thing to see, meeting up with the horizon uninterrupted. The road is straight for ages, and the speed limit is 130kms per hr. My van maxes out at 160, so the best I could do was 120, but I mostly just sat on 100 for the drive. There were a few cars going in the other direction, but only one came up behind(and over took) me.

Eventually I arrived at Tennant Creek. Another dusty but cute campsite, in a small town. But there are beautiful red hills, and I have never become bored during my driving so far – as there is forever changing scenery.
I decided to stay here for two nights, as it is the cheapest campsite so far and it allows me to catch up on things(like writing a blog entry). Tomorrow, my plan is to get up early and do another long run down through Alice Springs and straight to Uluru.

Pre- trip nerves

So I am supposed to be heading off tomorrow(Monday the 14th), and today I am ever so slightly shitting myself haha. The van is packed and ready. I have moved out of my unit and everything is in boxes. I've even done a test run up to Elim Beach and back - through deep puddles and dirt 4wd tracks. 

I head to Normanton first. By my calculations I'm guessing it's going to take me about 3 days to get there from here. 

What if something happens? What if I can't get help? What if, what if, what if. I have a million things running through my head!

Today is the final run of things I need to do - finish changing the window rubbers, get a tyre repair kit and pump. Try and figure out a way to fit my Blokart on. 

Then tomorrow I need to renew my passport and wax my legs and I'm ready...

Or as ready as you can be, travelling solo in a 20 year old van. 

I am excited. And terrified. And nervous. And anxious. And curious. And..

I've got so many emotions coursing through me that I can not even begin to tell them apart. 

The Smiley Van

Phase One: Find the right Campervan: CHECK

Meet the Smiley Van. A 1997 Ford Spectron with less then 200 000km on the clock. 

I filtered through a million "Backpacker leaving town - need to sell ASAP" ads. It turns out Cairns is quite a convenient spot to buy a campervan, as all the backpackers leave here to hop to Asia.

Phase Two: Bring the van up to speed - make sure it is mechanically sound for a long road trip. - IN PROGRESS

The first thing I did to the van was take apart the makeshift bed inside. The sink setup is still currently there, but I plan on implementing my own layout once I get the van back from the mechanics. Lucky for me, my builder and van extraordinaire cousin, Adam, is up here working. It's times like this I'm grateful that my family has a serious "I can build that at home" mental attitude. Between Adam and my brother Baden, guiding me, I should be able to pull off a decent working layout.

The second thing I did, was replace all the tyres (they needed replacing), and drop it off to our family mechanics. It is currently still in the shop, getting all the needed doo hickies replaced and thingamijigs flushed.

I have been working on my design layout, currently have a "day seat, night bed" futon idea. The paint also needs some love. As much as the smiley faces are iconic, I'm thinking of painting over them and making it a bit more personal - maybe some geeky symbols, or a simple painting of each place I go.

The van is going to be home, and like a boat, is bigger on the inside. so the Smiley Van has been renamed to: The TARDIS. Which stands for:
Travelling
Automobile
Rediscovering
Destinations
In
Solitude 

It Has Begun

Today I started to feel excited for my road trip! Up until now it has been a mixture of nerves and stress. But I finally got my finances in order, decided on a plan, and found a few promising looking Camper vans. One of the positives of Cairns is that there is no shortage of backpackers, so plenty of camper vans set up for travelling Australia. My best friend is having her birthday in a few weeks, so I'll head off south after that. With my "Explore Australia 2014" book as my guide, I will work my way down to Torquay to see mums side of the family, then down to Mallacoota to see Dad's side. When I arrive in Mallacoota, I'd like to surprise my Nanna and we can go off and see all the "Big Things" - strange, but iconic Australian statues.
I will start my "Big Things" journey as soon as I leave Cairns.

This solo journey is via road(I might actually take a Blokart..) so I have renamed my blog from "Wind Waves and Where The Hell Am I" to "Waves, Wheels, and Where The Hell Am I"

A Little Bit Of Me

I was cleaning out old files on my computer, when I found this from a few years ago. It is from a darker time in my life, but I thought it was a beautiful piece of writing.

I have a shell. Its huge and thick and has lots of layers. Mum thinks its like a clam shell, I can 'clam up' or 'open up slightly'. I think it's more like a big wall enclosing me like a bubble. I built it up myself, some parts I don't remember putting there, others are there for specific reasons. It just seems to get bigger and thicker as the years go by. Also it's heavy. Very heavy. Sometimes I feel like if I went in the water I would sink fast to the bottom like a cannonball. Other times I feel like it's magnetic, pulling me home or away from people. But most of the time I feel like I just want to disappear into my night time dreams and never wake up. In my dreams I can be anything, do anything, and I'm light as a feather. I often dream of flying, or doing things that I've never done before with confidence. Then I wake up and feel my shell again. It makes it hard to get out of bed, and most days I try to disappear back into my dreams with no success. I look forward to disappearing into sleep again, and I wait for the day to pass by.

I don't believe in depression, stupid mental illnesses causes by yourself. One can't see it or test it, and it can be completely made up for some stupid reason like getting medical attention. I don't like the idea of suicide, dad says one has to be extremely strong to kill yourself, I wouldn't be able to. I'm to much of a coward. In my mind I don't want to hurt others with my death, but in reality I already hurt people with my shell. It feels wrong when my body inflicts pain on its self. Even just when I have to make myself vomit. I'd never be able to cut myself on purpose. I can't even get an eating disorder, I only vomit when I feel really sick. Yet society has found a way to slowly kill many more people, much more effective than cutting yourself, or suicide. Food. Bad foods. Junk foods. Sugar.

I don't want to study. I don't feel ready to start being responsible, I don't want to make decisions that cost a lot. I don't want to start labeling myself and entering the serious working scene. In my mind I want to travel, go places, do things, just me and Calypso driving. Maybe taking heaps of photos, go to sailing events with my jetski and waterproof camera. But in reality I just want to stay here, and do nothing, see no one, and disappear in my bed of dreams.

I don't want to waste my life, not when there's so many people that would give anything for mine. I am extremely grateful for everything, I'm not stupid I know how good I've got it, and how easy I've got it. But I know I could make it better. I also know that I am wasting my life. I know that I need to loose weight, and maybe then I'll be more motivated. But food gives me an instant satisfaction that nothing else can, or at least not one that is so easy. I'm stuck in a rut. I've been stuck in a rut for the past 6 years. And I've run out of solutions.

You can put all this down to exam stress, death of a relative, my having done nothing for the past 2 weeks, or something else. But the truth is that I've thought this way for so long, and just never put it on paper.

The End