I have a
shell. Its huge and thick and has lots of layers. Mum thinks its like a clam
shell, I can 'clam up' or 'open up slightly'. I think it's more like a big wall
enclosing me like a bubble. I built it up myself, some parts I don't remember
putting there, others are there for specific reasons. It just seems to get
bigger and thicker as the years go by. Also it's heavy. Very heavy. Sometimes I
feel like if I went in the water I would sink fast to the bottom like a
cannonball. Other times I feel like it's magnetic, pulling me home or away from
people. But most of the time I feel like I just want to disappear into my night
time dreams and never wake up. In my dreams I can be anything, do anything, and
I'm light as a feather. I often dream of flying, or doing things that I've
never done before with confidence. Then I wake up and feel my shell again. It
makes it hard to get out of bed, and most days I try to disappear back into my
dreams with no success. I look forward to disappearing into sleep again, and I
wait for the day to pass by.
I don't
believe in depression, stupid mental illnesses causes by yourself. One can't see
it or test it, and it can be completely made up for some stupid reason like
getting medical attention. I don't like the idea of suicide, dad says one has
to be extremely strong to kill yourself, I wouldn't be able to. I'm to much of
a coward. In my mind I don't want to hurt others with my death, but in reality
I already hurt people with my shell. It feels wrong when my body inflicts pain
on its self. Even just when I have to make myself vomit. I'd never be able to
cut myself on purpose. I can't even get an eating disorder, I only vomit when I
feel really sick. Yet society has found a way to slowly kill many more people,
much more effective than cutting yourself, or suicide. Food. Bad foods. Junk
foods. Sugar.
I don't
want to study. I don't feel ready to start being responsible, I don't want to
make decisions that cost a lot. I don't want to start labeling myself and
entering the serious working scene. In my mind I want to travel, go places, do
things, just me and Calypso driving. Maybe taking heaps of photos, go to
sailing events with my jetski and waterproof camera. But in reality I just want
to stay here, and do nothing, see no one, and disappear in my bed of dreams.
I don't
want to waste my life, not when there's so many people that would give anything
for mine. I am extremely grateful for everything, I'm not stupid I know how
good I've got it, and how easy I've got it. But I know I could make it better.
I also know that I am wasting my life. I know that I need to loose weight, and
maybe then I'll be more motivated. But food gives me an instant satisfaction
that nothing else can, or at least not one that is so easy. I'm stuck in a rut.
I've been stuck in a rut for the past 6 years. And I've run out of solutions.
You can put
all this down to exam stress, death of a relative, my having done nothing for
the past 2 weeks, or something else. But the truth is that I've thought this
way for so long, and just never put it on paper.
The End
